I have a hard time remembering what sentences Iapos;ve already posted, but I guess itapos;s not too large of a matter; at least in the sense that if certain thoughts keep coming up, theyapos;re definitely not there for nostalgic reasons (though I will say they might be the cause of misplaced nostalgia, but thatapos;s another topic).
I play a game of opposites. Wait, Iapos;m sorry. Itapos;s not really a game, I get no joy out of my bad habits. My thoughts only seem to be a part of two different perspectives, one of which is nothingness. This topic Iapos;ll dwell on for quite some time, until, with either a "powerful" event or a small one, itapos;ll be just that one center of a moment, and then branching off into these different strands of scenarios, possibilities, prepared reactions, doubt, happiness, also including the persuasion of the self to believe in those two latter feelings. But, farther back, the thought comes of, of course, why. Whatapos;s causing this fluster of, until further notice, useless waste of time and mental energy? And, almost always, itapos;s easily identifiable. But thereapos;s this barrier, always, that makes me doubt. (A little side note on doubt, is the pitiful fact that in a situation where Iapos;m trying to discern whether or not Iapos;m wasting my time, itapos;s obvious and utterly human - not that Iapos;m using that as an excuse - to doubt both or all sides of an answer).
So, whatapos;s the point of this little excerpt? I donapos;t know for sure, this will probably get me nowhere, maybe Iapos;m just at a certain fed-up point that causes me to just go ahead and jot these thoughts down, and I will admit that thereapos;s a particular freedom in public writing when you donapos;t really have readers, so you can pretty much say whatever you feel.
Am I being whiny and self-indulgent and masturbatory of my own emotion?
My first instinct is to say "absolutely" but itapos;s never the objective, the mission outline, the "point."
When there is nothingness, Iapos;ll say quickly that when there is, who doesnapos;t always wish for "something"? A moment, a gesture, a random occurrence that you. Wait. For. But again, quickly, when you wish for something like that, I donapos;t know for sure if it would be correct to say that it "comes true," but those random moments happen. I near dare to say that theyapos;re going to happen anyway. You donapos;t miss it. You know it when you see it. But what I forget to do when Iapos;m wishing for those kind of moments, I forget to think about what to do afterwards. It seems the perfect decision to let everything happen as it may, watch the pieces fall together, take off wherever things lie. Silly as this may sound, but, really, what kind of plan is that?
I forget to decide what kind of action Iapos;ll take after certain events.
(I know Iapos;m contradicting myself, I assure you).
Itapos;s hard to know when to stop. And when to keep going or pursuing.
Maybe Iapos;m lacking something. Maybe the event, big or small, Iapos;m looking for hasnapos;t come yet.
Maybe it has, and because of other things going on, I missed...it.
Itapos;s weird to start something like this, with the idea of "I donapos;t know whatapos;s going on" just to end it with the same statement, with different tone and punctuation.
Thereapos;s a net loss of tension.
And thereapos;s not much covering.
I want to make a statement, a prediction about tomorrow - how Iapos;ll feel, how the day will turn, but I canapos;t. Not because I donapos;t know. Itapos;s just that after a while, I find that I just donapos;t want to. I donapos;t want to allow myself, to be right. I donapos;t like the idea of me allowing the acceptance of an idea that something out of the ordinary might happen, I donapos;t like it. And this is only about taking things one at a time, one day at a time.
Is the future ever really surprising? I think we could be able to figure it out, somehow. But we donapos;t want to be right.
I donapos;t know who this "we" is, I donapos;t want to assume that weapos;re all going through the same thing. I mean, we are, just not at the same time. I think. It seems right. But you know I could be wrong.
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